Yesterday I had an appointment at the hospital to get the results that I was due from when I was an inpatient a few weeks ago. I was not due to see the Neurologist untill sept 24th but I got a phone call on tuesday morning to change the day to yesterday and it just so happened that the call came just as I was walking in to see the Consultant Psychiatrist for a review. So me and most people who knew about the changed appointment assumed that because they had brought it forward, there was something neurologically wrong with me. How wrong were we! After 4 days of pannic and lack of sleep I walked in to the consulting room for him to sit me down and tell me that my scans were all clear and that what is causing me psychical pain is actually my mind, not something 'organic' as he put it.
Of course I was over the moon that nothing neurologically is wrong with me, but it was short lived because I started to think about what he had said- my mind is causing me psychical pain. Now I have not intentionally harmed myself since I came home from university. But in my eyes I have just discovered that my mind is harming me, and has been doing it to me without me controlling it for some time now. This worries me on a number of levels because I am seemingly in less control of myself and my mind than I believed I was and had been for a while. If you have read any of my pevious blogs you may well have seen that control for me is very important, control of myself, control of what I do, and control of situations I put myself in.
Forgetting the Neurology stuff for a minute I have become increasingly feeling out of control of stuff (but until now, not of myself), I worry about anything and everything and am anxious of every situation I am in when I am not at home. I am paraniod about pretty much everyone and everything around me as I said in the last blog I wrote. Yet up until yesterday I haven't felt out of control of myself, now it seems subconsciously I am, a thought I really do hate having because apart from this, I do feel in control of myself. Now I ask myself what the hell do I do now then? And the answer is at the moment I have no idea. The two Community Psychiatric Nurses that are in charge of my care and I have been discussing a number of options to explore; firstly I am to undergo a sixteen week course of Cognitive Analytical Therapy, apparently this entails a really close self examination of myself and what makes me tick, this to me sounds like a very positive but quite difficult step as I personally do not like to be so mentally exposed to anyone, like I will have to be for this to work. Secondly we are going to further discuss the idea that I have some sort of personality disorder, although I hate labelling myself or seeing others to it to me or other people, I am of the opinion that if this is caused by different things that stress me out combining together and making me feel this way. I need to know that that is definitely how my mind works (or fails to work properly). I say this because if in the future I see a big change coming in my life, and I know in advance my mind may not deal with it well, I am forewarned about it and can plan accordingly.
I would not wish anything wrong on anyone or myself but there is a part of me that really wishes the Neurologist had said there is something wrong, but that it can be cured with a pill or potion, that way it would have come and gone and life would stay the same. But because it is not and this cannot be treated or cured overnight or in a short period of time, wheels have been set in motion that I didn't expect would happen. One of my CPN's did say that this maybe the case, but I really hoped it wouldn't be that, purely because it means that I have to do so much more than that just take a pill to go back to 'normal'.
Showing posts with label hospital. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hospital. Show all posts
Saturday, 8 September 2012
Thursday, 16 August 2012
10 Floors Up
I have had a lot of time to think about things over the past few days because I am in hospital due to an unexplained neurological problem that is getting worse as the weeks go by. The weird part is I am on the children's ward. Which is sort of odd since I am nearly 21. But anyway the nurses are lovely and I can have visitors when ever I like so it does have some perks and I have a nice room to myself. So I can't complain really.
Anyway it got me thinking how feeling physically ill and mentally ill at the same time can make you feel. It is difficult because feeling mentally ill can make you feel physically ill and feeling physically ill can definitely have a big impact on your mental state. Thinking about this threw up some very odd and possibly scary thoughts for me. If we look at the two situations separately. Firstly how feeling mentally ill effects you physically. For me I have been affected in a number of ways physically due to my psychosis, firstly when I was on the anti-psychotic called Olanzapine it made me constantly hungry and as such I put on a fair bit of weight, to the extent I felt I need to join the gym to compensate for it. Perhaps a darker and more dangerous side of this coin is that the mind can actually cause you physical pain. So this made me think that the mind can affectively self harm its own body without me doing anything or without me being able to control it. This thought scares me quite a lot, especially given my past issues with these things; people self harm for a lot of reasons but to an extent, no matter how wrong or twisted it may be, your body may be doing it to self medicate in the same what that actually self harming can be a type of self medication no matter how wrong that may be. So I do not know what to think, stuck here in hospital, because I just think I could leave here with no answers to my questions and still no reason for the way I feel physically. Which I know is no ones fault but it just makes me angry and cross with myself, one for getting cross in my head with the Dr's and Nurses and two because I have lost control of yet another situation.
My physical illness makes me pretty much constantly tired and as such I have less energy to fight my psychosis, most days I can handle it but some I can't deal with both and my body and mind sort of just shut down and I cant think straight or get my words out right. Being psychically ill but not knowing what the illness is, and as such not being able to treat it, or even find out what it is, is really stressful. Each week going to the doctors and getting more results that all come back negative, which is good that what ever was tested for is not what is wrong with me but equally I just want to find out now, what ever it is, so it is one less thing I don't know. It goes further than that though, the whole two illnesses thing is just very stressful in itself without even thinking about diagnosis's and whatever. And to be honest I am just a bit fed up with the whole situation I find myself in at the moment, it is just a bit too much for me to happily handle.
The physical illness doesn't even have to be major, in fact I would say that getting the flu can be almost as bad as whatever it is I have because they both leave you drained and tired of fighting. The only difference is the longevity of the illness and the fact I don't know what mine is yet. I just find it is like trying to juggle with anvils, it is bloody hard work.
Anyway it got me thinking how feeling physically ill and mentally ill at the same time can make you feel. It is difficult because feeling mentally ill can make you feel physically ill and feeling physically ill can definitely have a big impact on your mental state. Thinking about this threw up some very odd and possibly scary thoughts for me. If we look at the two situations separately. Firstly how feeling mentally ill effects you physically. For me I have been affected in a number of ways physically due to my psychosis, firstly when I was on the anti-psychotic called Olanzapine it made me constantly hungry and as such I put on a fair bit of weight, to the extent I felt I need to join the gym to compensate for it. Perhaps a darker and more dangerous side of this coin is that the mind can actually cause you physical pain. So this made me think that the mind can affectively self harm its own body without me doing anything or without me being able to control it. This thought scares me quite a lot, especially given my past issues with these things; people self harm for a lot of reasons but to an extent, no matter how wrong or twisted it may be, your body may be doing it to self medicate in the same what that actually self harming can be a type of self medication no matter how wrong that may be. So I do not know what to think, stuck here in hospital, because I just think I could leave here with no answers to my questions and still no reason for the way I feel physically. Which I know is no ones fault but it just makes me angry and cross with myself, one for getting cross in my head with the Dr's and Nurses and two because I have lost control of yet another situation.
My physical illness makes me pretty much constantly tired and as such I have less energy to fight my psychosis, most days I can handle it but some I can't deal with both and my body and mind sort of just shut down and I cant think straight or get my words out right. Being psychically ill but not knowing what the illness is, and as such not being able to treat it, or even find out what it is, is really stressful. Each week going to the doctors and getting more results that all come back negative, which is good that what ever was tested for is not what is wrong with me but equally I just want to find out now, what ever it is, so it is one less thing I don't know. It goes further than that though, the whole two illnesses thing is just very stressful in itself without even thinking about diagnosis's and whatever. And to be honest I am just a bit fed up with the whole situation I find myself in at the moment, it is just a bit too much for me to happily handle.
The physical illness doesn't even have to be major, in fact I would say that getting the flu can be almost as bad as whatever it is I have because they both leave you drained and tired of fighting. The only difference is the longevity of the illness and the fact I don't know what mine is yet. I just find it is like trying to juggle with anvils, it is bloody hard work.
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