A change of course

Yesterday I had an appointment at the hospital to get the results that I was due from when I was an inpatient a few weeks ago. I was not due to see the Neurologist untill sept 24th but I got a phone call on tuesday morning to change the day to yesterday and it just so happened that the call came just as I was walking in to see the Consultant Psychiatrist for a review. So me and most people who knew about the changed appointment assumed that because they had brought it forward, there was something neurologically wrong with me. How wrong were we! After 4 days of pannic and lack of sleep I walked in to the consulting room for him to sit me down and tell me that my scans were all clear and that what is causing me psychical pain is actually my mind, not something 'organic' as he put it.
Of course I was over the moon that nothing neurologically is wrong with me, but it was short lived because I started to think about what he had said- my mind is causing me psychical pain. Now I have not intentionally harmed myself since I came home from university. But in my eyes I have just discovered that my mind is harming me, and has been doing it to me without me controlling it for some time now. This worries me on a number of levels because I am seemingly in less control of myself and my mind than I believed I was and had been for a while. If you have read any of my pevious blogs you may well have seen that control for me is very important, control of myself, control of what I do, and control of situations I put myself in.
Forgetting the Neurology stuff for a minute I have become increasingly feeling out of control of stuff (but until now, not of myself), I worry about anything and everything and am anxious of every situation I am in when I am not at home. I am paraniod about pretty much everyone and everything around me as I said in the last blog I wrote. Yet up until yesterday I haven't felt out of control of myself, now it seems subconsciously I am, a thought I really do hate having because apart from this, I do feel in control of myself. Now I ask myself what the hell do I do now then? And the answer is at the moment I have no idea. The two Community Psychiatric Nurses that are in charge of my care and I have been discussing a number of options to explore; firstly I am to undergo a sixteen week course of Cognitive Analytical Therapy, apparently this entails a really close self examination of myself and what makes me tick, this to me sounds like a very positive but quite difficult step as I personally do not like to be so mentally exposed to anyone, like I will have to be for this to work. Secondly we are going to further discuss the idea that I have some sort of personality disorder, although I hate labelling myself or seeing others to it to me or other people, I am of the opinion that if this is caused by different things that stress me out combining together and making me feel this way. I need to know that that is definitely how my mind works (or fails to work properly). I say this because if in the future I see a big change coming in my life, and I know in advance my mind may not deal with it well, I am forewarned about it and can plan accordingly.
I would not wish anything wrong on anyone or myself but there is a part of me that really wishes the Neurologist had said there is something wrong, but that it can be cured with a pill or potion, that way it would have come and gone and life would stay the same. But because it is not and this cannot be treated or cured overnight or in a short period of time, wheels have been set in motion that I didn't expect would happen. One of my CPN's did say that this maybe the case, but I really hoped it wouldn't be that, purely because it means that I have to do so much more than that just take a pill to go back to 'normal'.

No matter how dark the moment...

Sometimes there are no words. No clever quotes to neatly sum up what has happen over the last week and a half. I haven't found any anything that come close to adequately describe the last week or so. I am getting pretty fed up of juggling anvils now, it feels like I have already fumbled and can feel certain ones slipping away from me. Due to the medication I take I have started to wake up with what feels like the worlds worst hangover. Luckily it passes after a while, but even so it does make me feel pretty rough for a couple of hours.

I have really struggled to find anything of note or anything worth writing about because I just seem to have no real energy and my mind is not working properly at the moment. By this I mean that I am having the most wierdest irrational thoughts and my general thought process is seriously off kilter, I don't mean this in the sense of wanting to hurt myself, or anyone else for that matter. I mean that I am terrified of pretty much anything and everything. When I going outside to take Yoda for a walk I get so jumpy and instead of enjoying it I find myself just getting pretty angry. It feels like I have a constant need to check for incoming or potential threats. Even though, rationally, I know they are not really there. But like I said the irrational side of my thoughts have taken over the rational side, which feels so mentally exhausting, constantly being on guard for incoming and potential threats, that realistically aren't there. For example getting into a car, not only do I get nervous that I am leaving the safety of my house but I have a genuine fear of the car itself. The idea that we could crash or whatever leaves me constantly on edge. At the moment I don't see things as they really are, instead I see everything as a potential danger or threat to me. I also feel a great level of anxiety when I leave what I deem to be a safe place purely because I am leaving the places I feel safest, then I worry about have I shut every window, door etc. And it goes on till I am back in one of my safe places.

This new level of paranoia/anxiousness is coupled with myself becoming increasingly obsessive compulsive about things about things, something which never happened last time really. I keep my keys on a chain to prevent me forgetting them when we go out. Yet before I leave the house, then before I shut the front door I have to feel them in my pocket then get them out to literally see them, then I can shut the door. But I still keep checking I have them, the same goes for my wallet and my phone. It also leaves me with and excessive need to plan things, I often need to plan my day out before it starts, and then if something doesn't go to plan or the plan changes I freak out and get all tense, and sometimes upset and angry. What has brought this on I have no idea. But I see the Psychiatrist on Tuesday so hopefully he will be able to shed some light on this. Also the housing possibilities I have blogged about previously are starting to come to fruition. So it's not all doom and gloom.

However no matter how dark the moment I know things will get better again, maybe not imminently but I know for sure that everything will be alright.

Never a straight path

'Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, then it's not the end' - Unknown

Suffering with a mental health condition is never a straight and easy path that you have to follow, none of us chose it, none of us wanted it and none of us like it. All we can do is do our best with the hand that we have been dealt, hoping that everything will be alright in the end. Which for most people it will be, whether they have become better, or if they suffer with an incurable condition. I think that quote sums up the attitude that I hope to have (but I know sometimes I do not). I think it is the attitude we should all try and have throughout our own journeys, because in the darkest moments it is hope we cling on to, the hope that our condition will not be the end of who we are as individuals or as collective group. I have learned over time that it does not have to be so. In my case I feel that it has deepened the levels of my friendships with people. I think this is the case because people think that talking about mental health is a really intimate thing. Which I think is both right and wrong, talking about the details is very intimate and creates a deeper understanding between those involved in the conversation. However there can be times when it does not feel intimate or good. Like when I said about ticking the box about mental health on my driving license forms. Wrongly I still felt a little bit ashamed, and like it was my fault that my driving license would most likely be revoked. Which is just wrong but that is what the nature of mental health does, because it is still very stigmatized in society but also because it is very intimate. On the whole I will answer any question anyone asks me about my condition because that is one way I try and deal with it. But not to be asked and to be assumed about is how most people come to the conclusion about me, certainly it was before I started to do this. I do not mean my immediate family or friends, but those on the outskirts, who just hear about it second hand. I do not blame them, I used to do the same I am sure of it. Some of this, I think, comes from the 'pull yourself together' attitudes that a lot of people, especially men I think, often take about it. After all, if it is all in your head then you can control it, or so people think. But being intimate and open with people soon teaches them how it actually is. 

As it goes I don't feel like I have had much luck in terms of my health but then I started to think that actually I am quite lucky in a sort of twisted sort of way, because I am in a position to speak out about this whilst many aren't and many are far more ill than me. So this entry is for those people who can't say, or don't know how to say what it is like living with psychosis and/or depression. It is at best bearable and at worst it is so bad words fail to to describe it. It can take so many different forms and people can be affected by it in different ways but it becomes your life until you get on top of it, but it can come back when you are just getting yourself sorted. You can know it is coming but are powerless to stop it, you can understand the why and how but the when and what can be so unpredictable. Explaining this fear is hard to do unless the person has been through it because words can't really explain how it feels, nothing really can. Getting people to understand that is half the battle, and the other half is down to them- whether they can understand it and still be there for you in the capacity you need them. However once finding out some people never treat you the same again. Some because they are scared, some because they are worried about you, and some because they are ignorant. This is the thing that hurts the most, sharing something so intimate and then seeing it destroy a friendship or a relationship.

10 Floors Up

I have had a lot of time to think about things over the past few days because I am in hospital due to an unexplained neurological problem that is getting worse as the weeks go by. The weird part is I am on the children's ward. Which is sort of odd since I am nearly 21. But anyway the nurses are lovely and I can have visitors when ever I like so it does have some perks and I have a nice room to myself. So I can't complain really.

Anyway it got me thinking how feeling physically ill and mentally ill at the same time can make you feel. It is difficult because feeling mentally ill can make you feel physically ill and feeling physically ill can definitely have a big impact on your mental state. Thinking about this threw up some very odd and possibly scary thoughts for me. If we look at the two situations separately. Firstly how feeling mentally ill effects you physically. For me I have been affected in a number of ways physically due to my psychosis, firstly when I was on the anti-psychotic called Olanzapine it made me constantly hungry and as such I put on a fair bit of weight, to the extent I felt I need to join the gym to compensate for it. Perhaps a darker and more dangerous side of this coin is that the mind can actually cause you physical pain. So this made me think that the mind can affectively self harm its own body without me doing anything or without me being able to control it. This thought scares me quite a lot, especially given my past issues with these things; people self harm for a lot of reasons but to an extent, no matter how wrong or twisted it may be, your body may be doing it to self medicate in the same what that actually self harming can be a type of self medication no matter how wrong that may be. So I do not know what to think, stuck here in hospital, because I just think I could leave here with no answers to my questions and still no reason for the way I feel physically. Which I know is no ones fault but it just makes me angry and cross with myself, one for getting cross in my head with the Dr's and Nurses and two because I have lost control of yet another situation.

My physical illness makes me pretty much constantly tired and as such I have less energy to fight my psychosis, most days I can handle it but some I can't deal with both and my body and mind sort of just shut down and I cant think straight or get my words out right. Being psychically ill but not knowing what the illness is, and as such not being able to treat it, or even find out what it is, is really stressful. Each week going to the doctors and getting more results that all come back negative, which is good that what ever was tested for is not what is wrong with me but equally I just want to find out now, what ever it is, so it is one less thing I don't know. It goes further than that though, the whole two illnesses thing is just very stressful in itself without even thinking about diagnosis's and whatever. And to be honest I am just a bit fed up with the whole situation I find myself in at the moment, it is just a bit too much for me to happily handle.

The physical illness doesn't even have to be major, in fact I would say that getting the flu can be almost as bad as whatever it is I have because they both leave you drained and tired of fighting. The only difference is the longevity of the illness and the fact I don't know what mine is yet. I just find it is like trying to juggle with anvils, it is bloody hard work.      

What I take and what it does

This entry will probably be of little interest to some readers but I thought I would tell you what pills and potions I take and how I have found them and what side effects they have had on me. The amounts shown are the daily totals and not necessarily what I take in one go.


It has taken many months to figure out the right quantities of everything and I still don't think we have found exactly the right balance yet. But I am lucky that I have a Psychiatrist who is open and asks what I want, he gives advise to help me form a decision rather than giving orders with no input from me.

Pills and potions only get you so far though, there is far more to any mental illness than throwing some tablets at it, there is a lot of talking and other things that contribute to getting better for example, getting some exercise. Thanks to Yoda I have that covered. Anti psychotics often make you gain weight so keeping on top of that is key. The old Anti psychotic I was on, called Olazapine, made me put on about 2 stone. Hence why, now I am back on anti psychotics, I am not on that one anymore.
So here's the list:


Pregabalin- 600mg
Pregabalin is an anti axiety drug. It works well, it keeps you sort of chilled out,I have found its effects are pretty instant so are good in a crisis or when really panicked 

Aripiprazole- 30mg

Aripiprazole is an anti psychotic and it seems to be working very well. I haven't got much to say about this, it does what it says on the tin. Most of the time, that is why we have introduced a low dose of Risperidone to help its effects. I used to take Olanzapine but did not get on with it, due to its side effects.


Risperidone- 4mg
I have only just started the course of Risperidone so cannot tell you much, it is an anti psychotic and is being used as a top up for the Aripiprazole to see if a combination of the two will be better than one on its own.


Amitriptyline- 150mg

Amitriptyline is an anti depressant. Is is the one that works the best for me, I have tried many different ones, including citalopram, agomelatine and Mirtazapine. Amitriptyline is an old school anti depressant and is not often prescribed anymore so I am told, but it is working well for me, so maybe older is better, as agomelatine is pretty new but no where near as effective.

For other reasons I also take:

Naproxen- 1000mg
Naproxen is a painkiller, think of it as Nurofen's big brother, Naproxen commonly causes stomache ulcers therefore I take 20mg of Mepradec to counteract this.

I do have some other side effects but I think these are due to the combination and quantity of tablets I take. These are dizziness, lack of spacial awareness, memory loss, however there are more but it is hard to differentiate between what is caused by the pills and what is a symptom of my psychosis.

My strange duet

'Sing once again with me, our strange duet' - Phantom of the Opera

 As my mind feels fairly jumbled after starting some new medication you may have to bare with me a little bit.

I don't know why I am finding quotes that I have heard so many times before relevant to my Psychosis, but this one I think is. Generally I am not necessarily a fan of quotes for stuff like this because it feel like I am hijacking someone else's thoughts. But since I am taking this one so out of context I think it's more ok- If that makes any sense.
The quote is EXACTLY how I feel about not only this relapse, but also about how my mind is fighting it. I think it does want to sing the strange duets again (inside my head). This duet is being sung between me and the voices like the ones I heard last time, so far I haven't dueted with him or anyone else this time. But it is a battle with the voices that wants to sing once more. Most days battling them is dead easy but like most things, sometimes on the bad days it is a struggle. It isn't a case of if I give in it will happen for certain; but there are days, which are hard to describe, during which I sort of unravel and they are the days that are harder to keep them at bay. It would take a number of bad days in a row for it to happen so I am hopeful that it won't. At the time of the start of my relapse it came very very close to being in a place where it would happen again. Having said that it isn't a case of everything or nothing; it builds up, like the introduction to the Phantom of the Opera, then he sings.
I find myself in a catch 22 situation, because I am ultra paranoid and therefore aware of all the things around me. So everything I hear I think to myself, is that in my head or actually happening? Which can be very difficult, especially when there is no one else to confirm the noises are psychical. But this vicious cycle can be broken and I think at the moment I am doing this. I think I am doing this in a number of ways, preempting trouble, or difficulties before they arise. Which is great and the people that help me do that are great, but as people with mental health issues know, it can be a bit random, and spontaneous 'unraveling' like I did at the start of my relapse.
At the moment the paranoia is doubled with anxiety for which I have been prescribed a drug called Pregabalin, which works wonders and keeps me calm when I am in somewhere new or with a crowd of people, but it is not a cure to it it is just a treatment and as such I have to learn how to cope in these situations slowly. We went to town today and I did struggle a bit with there being so many people around and about. But as I said the Pregabalin did the job that at the moment  I cannot do.

Fighting on many fronts

Since I have relapsed I have been put on new set of various prescription drugs and at the last count I take up to 16 pills a day, depending on how the day is going and how I am feeling. But there are some I take regardless of how I feel. The 'bread and butter' drugs. These are Aripiprazole, which is an anti-psychotic drug and an anti-depressant called Amitriptyline. I also take pain killers and Diazepam which helps to control my moods and feelings. There is no doubt that all of them are working for me, on a good day or at a good point during a day at least. However during a 'crisis' or and episode of serious panic, I find myself doubting their effectiveness however these episodes are pretty rare. Which is what I will be discussing with my doctor on friday. I am not nor would I ever say taking them is pointless, they do do a lot of good but it is possible to reach a point (even whilst taking medication) where it has little or no effect. At present I do not know what the answer to this problem is, and is causing me a fair bit of worry. The difficult thing is that it takes time to find the right drugs and then the right quantities of that drug. This can be, and is for me, very frustrating. Which then fuels the circle of panic and fear. Of late these 'crises' have a number of effects on me, I get the shakes, my memory goes and I cannot remember basic things. I get dizzy and my spacial awareness fails me. This then makes my head worse and it goes on. The trick is to break the circle, every Dr, Nurse and other Professional has said this. I know it is true, but that is so much easier said than done, it takes time and effort and some days the effort just isn't there to fight it but most days it is. I am not saying I want it to keep happening but some days it just feels like there is no fight left. On the other hand some days I wake up raring to fight it and to an extent this blog is my way of doing so. For each person that reads this in my eyes it is one way of fighting it. 
It is not an understatement to say that medical intervention in terms of medication has pretty much saved me. But I am still not at a place where they work completely and it may well be that this is as good as it gets, as I am well aware it is not possible to cure everything with a pill or potion. They are one side of the coin. The other side is learning my causes and triggers of Psychosis. However this is not easy, both of the times I have had a psychotic episode the situations were totally different, some things are sort of the same but the way in which they manifest themselves are totally different. Which can be difficult to handle because it is like trying to fight a 3 headed beast, focus on one head and the others may strike. Hopefully in time it will be easier to fight on many fronts at the same time, at the moment it is not easy and to be honest I don't think I know how but I will try. What I do know is is that I wouldn't have a fighting chance without my family at my side, as they have been all the way through this.