05.23am is one of the most significant points of my life. It was the time I was admitted to a Psychiatric Ward. So that is why I decided to name this blog it because it changed my whole life, and my family's life completely. They have been my rock throughout all this and would not have coped without them.

Friday, 3 August 2012

My strange duet

'Sing once again with me, our strange duet' - Phantom of the Opera

 As my mind feels fairly jumbled after starting some new medication you may have to bare with me a little bit.

I don't know why I am finding quotes that I have heard so many times before relevant to my Psychosis, but this one I think is. Generally I am not necessarily a fan of quotes for stuff like this because it feel like I am hijacking someone else's thoughts. But since I am taking this one so out of context I think it's more ok- If that makes any sense.
The quote is EXACTLY how I feel about not only this relapse, but also about how my mind is fighting it. I think it does want to sing the strange duets again (inside my head). This duet is being sung between me and the voices like the ones I heard last time, so far I haven't dueted with him or anyone else this time. But it is a battle with the voices that wants to sing once more. Most days battling them is dead easy but like most things, sometimes on the bad days it is a struggle. It isn't a case of if I give in it will happen for certain; but there are days, which are hard to describe, during which I sort of unravel and they are the days that are harder to keep them at bay. It would take a number of bad days in a row for it to happen so I am hopeful that it won't. At the time of the start of my relapse it came very very close to being in a place where it would happen again. Having said that it isn't a case of everything or nothing; it builds up, like the introduction to the Phantom of the Opera, then he sings.
I find myself in a catch 22 situation, because I am ultra paranoid and therefore aware of all the things around me. So everything I hear I think to myself, is that in my head or actually happening? Which can be very difficult, especially when there is no one else to confirm the noises are psychical. But this vicious cycle can be broken and I think at the moment I am doing this. I think I am doing this in a number of ways, preempting trouble, or difficulties before they arise. Which is great and the people that help me do that are great, but as people with mental health issues know, it can be a bit random, and spontaneous 'unraveling' like I did at the start of my relapse.
At the moment the paranoia is doubled with anxiety for which I have been prescribed a drug called Pregabalin, which works wonders and keeps me calm when I am in somewhere new or with a crowd of people, but it is not a cure to it it is just a treatment and as such I have to learn how to cope in these situations slowly. We went to town today and I did struggle a bit with there being so many people around and about. But as I said the Pregabalin did the job that at the moment  I cannot do.


  1. Hang on in there Sam; I'm sure that you will keep on top of this.

    You know that your friends and family are here for you whenever you need us.

  2. Your Dad is right! We are all here for you, if or when you need us. Live & prayers, as always xxxx