05.23am is one of the most significant points of my life. It was the time I was admitted to a Psychiatric Ward. So that is why I decided to name this blog it because it changed my whole life, and my family's life completely. They have been my rock throughout all this and would not have coped without them.
Sunday, 5 August 2012
How it all started
Blogging about Psychosis is one thing, but no where have I told you why it happened, so I want to today, it is a little complicated but bare with me if you will. The doctors have said that I always had it in me to have a psychotic episode, I guess some people are just born with it in them. But my actions or lack of actions over the two years I was at university brought my psychosis out of me, but there is little doubt it would have happened at some point anyway. Indeed my current relapse is proof that it doesn't have to be brought on my something, it can just happen.
In terms of me bringing it out of myself, it literally started on the first day of Uni. When across the hall from me lived a a true gent, who would soon become my best friend, was rolling a joint. Now I have never done or been into drugs before, well nothing illegal and nothing potent. Except for a couple of times at new year's party's. He asked me if I smoked weed and to be honest I don't know what the answer was but from that day onward weed played a big role in my life, at the start if term it was just something we did in the evening or before a night out but soon it became all we did, after the Christmas holiday when we got back to Uni the routine was get up at about 11am get to my friends by 4pm and we would sit in his room until the early hours smoking weed. Whilst that was happening I began to neglect contact with my family and it was the first year ever I didn't send my dad a birthday card because I was too scared too go out in public to get him a card because of the anxiety and paranioa. Plus I was going through a fairly awful break up. I couldn't attend lectures because I was too paranoid to go to them and to anxious of the people there. I was only comfortable with people inside my circle of friends whom I knew and trusted. Then dad came and rescued me and it was only when I saw him did I realize what a state I was in, I was living in a state of total mental and psychical squalor and that is no exaggeration. I neglected everything; myself, my family, my lectures, totally everything.
So my first psychotic episode was 'stress induced' according to the Dr's which I agree with. But they have all said that the cannabis played a big role on bringing it on so soon and so fast. Whatever people say about weed, it isn't good for you. I am a walking advert for that. I have made mistakes, smoking so much weed was one of them, it was foolish and done partly because it felt good to rebel against the system, and partly because getting high feels good. But all it does really is mask what it is actually doing to your body. Messing it up.
When I left I knew I would have to resit my first year, so I went back and tried to do this, while I was there I didn't go near weed at all. This episode was different, I just entered a deep, deep depression as I did the first year but this year was different because I couldn't go to lectures due to the residual anxiety and paranoia, which still plague me today. I tried numerous times but I just couldn't do it. So I sat in my room brooding. I do not know what brought it all on, but there was a lot of self harming and it is lucky I had the friends I did because they carried me until nothing more could be done and so I came home again. Knowing I couldn't go back. What brought on the depression I am not 100% sure, failure to be able to go out to lectures or socializing was a big part of it, but I don't know what the other causes were. Should I have gone back for the second attempt at my first year? On paper probably not with hindsight, but I thought I owed it to my family and more importantly to myselfto give it another go.
I do not regret the decisions I have made as they have made me a stronger person, do I wish wish i didn't have Psychosis? Of course I do but I've got, it so I want to use it in whatever way I can for the good of myself and of others.