05.23am is one of the most significant points of my life. It was the time I was admitted to a Psychiatric Ward. So that is why I decided to name this blog it because it changed my whole life, and my family's life completely. They have been my rock throughout all this and would not have coped without them.

Sunday, 19 August 2012

Never a straight path

'Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, then it's not the end' - Unknown

Suffering with a mental health condition is never a straight and easy path that you have to follow, none of us chose it, none of us wanted it and none of us like it. All we can do is do our best with the hand that we have been dealt, hoping that everything will be alright in the end. Which for most people it will be, whether they have become better, or if they suffer with an incurable condition. I think that quote sums up the attitude that I hope to have (but I know sometimes I do not). I think it is the attitude we should all try and have throughout our own journeys, because in the darkest moments it is hope we cling on to, the hope that our condition will not be the end of who we are as individuals or as collective group. I have learned over time that it does not have to be so. In my case I feel that it has deepened the levels of my friendships with people. I think this is the case because people think that talking about mental health is a really intimate thing. Which I think is both right and wrong, talking about the details is very intimate and creates a deeper understanding between those involved in the conversation. However there can be times when it does not feel intimate or good. Like when I said about ticking the box about mental health on my driving license forms. Wrongly I still felt a little bit ashamed, and like it was my fault that my driving license would most likely be revoked. Which is just wrong but that is what the nature of mental health does, because it is still very stigmatized in society but also because it is very intimate. On the whole I will answer any question anyone asks me about my condition because that is one way I try and deal with it. But not to be asked and to be assumed about is how most people come to the conclusion about me, certainly it was before I started to do this. I do not mean my immediate family or friends, but those on the outskirts, who just hear about it second hand. I do not blame them, I used to do the same I am sure of it. Some of this, I think, comes from the 'pull yourself together' attitudes that a lot of people, especially men I think, often take about it. After all, if it is all in your head then you can control it, or so people think. But being intimate and open with people soon teaches them how it actually is. 

As it goes I don't feel like I have had much luck in terms of my health but then I started to think that actually I am quite lucky in a sort of twisted sort of way, because I am in a position to speak out about this whilst many aren't and many are far more ill than me. So this entry is for those people who can't say, or don't know how to say what it is like living with psychosis and/or depression. It is at best bearable and at worst it is so bad words fail to to describe it. It can take so many different forms and people can be affected by it in different ways but it becomes your life until you get on top of it, but it can come back when you are just getting yourself sorted. You can know it is coming but are powerless to stop it, you can understand the why and how but the when and what can be so unpredictable. Explaining this fear is hard to do unless the person has been through it because words can't really explain how it feels, nothing really can. Getting people to understand that is half the battle, and the other half is down to them- whether they can understand it and still be there for you in the capacity you need them. However once finding out some people never treat you the same again. Some because they are scared, some because they are worried about you, and some because they are ignorant. This is the thing that hurts the most, sharing something so intimate and then seeing it destroy a friendship or a relationship.

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