05.23am is one of the most significant points of my life. It was the time I was admitted to a Psychiatric Ward. So that is why I decided to name this blog it because it changed my whole life, and my family's life completely. They have been my rock throughout all this and would not have coped without them.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Fighting on many fronts

Since I have relapsed I have been put on new set of various prescription drugs and at the last count I take up to 16 pills a day, depending on how the day is going and how I am feeling. But there are some I take regardless of how I feel. The 'bread and butter' drugs. These are Aripiprazole, which is an anti-psychotic drug and an anti-depressant called Amitriptyline. I also take pain killers and Diazepam which helps to control my moods and feelings. There is no doubt that all of them are working for me, on a good day or at a good point during a day at least. However during a 'crisis' or and episode of serious panic, I find myself doubting their effectiveness however these episodes are pretty rare. Which is what I will be discussing with my doctor on friday. I am not nor would I ever say taking them is pointless, they do do a lot of good but it is possible to reach a point (even whilst taking medication) where it has little or no effect. At present I do not know what the answer to this problem is, and is causing me a fair bit of worry. The difficult thing is that it takes time to find the right drugs and then the right quantities of that drug. This can be, and is for me, very frustrating. Which then fuels the circle of panic and fear. Of late these 'crises' have a number of effects on me, I get the shakes, my memory goes and I cannot remember basic things. I get dizzy and my spacial awareness fails me. This then makes my head worse and it goes on. The trick is to break the circle, every Dr, Nurse and other Professional has said this. I know it is true, but that is so much easier said than done, it takes time and effort and some days the effort just isn't there to fight it but most days it is. I am not saying I want it to keep happening but some days it just feels like there is no fight left. On the other hand some days I wake up raring to fight it and to an extent this blog is my way of doing so. For each person that reads this in my eyes it is one way of fighting it. 
It is not an understatement to say that medical intervention in terms of medication has pretty much saved me. But I am still not at a place where they work completely and it may well be that this is as good as it gets, as I am well aware it is not possible to cure everything with a pill or potion. They are one side of the coin. The other side is learning my causes and triggers of Psychosis. However this is not easy, both of the times I have had a psychotic episode the situations were totally different, some things are sort of the same but the way in which they manifest themselves are totally different. Which can be difficult to handle because it is like trying to fight a 3 headed beast, focus on one head and the others may strike. Hopefully in time it will be easier to fight on many fronts at the same time, at the moment it is not easy and to be honest I don't think I know how but I will try. What I do know is is that I wouldn't have a fighting chance without my family at my side, as they have been all the way through this.


  1. Reading this gives me an insight into Sams issues and problems.

    I hope that others find it informative as I do.

  2. Sam, you are so brave & I know your blog will give inspiration & hope to others with mental health problems. So please keep fighting & writing & I pray for you every day. Love always, Mel

  3. I don't know if it will mean much, but I wanted to say that I think I can empathise with the frustration of trying to find the right medication/doses. It may not be in the same situation as you, but after 15 years of diabetes, I still don't have everything right and I'm finally accepting that it's never going to be easy. I'm trying to remember that what's important is to try to keep your head up as much as possible, and know that others are there for the times when you can't do it yourself.
    Thank you for the blog, I frequently wonder how you're getting on and it's comforting to be able to keep up to date.

  4. Thank you lili it does mean a lot. your comment really cheered up my day and sorry for such a late reply but have been having laptop issues (as always) :P xx