05.23am is one of the most significant points of my life. It was the time I was admitted to a Psychiatric Ward. So that is why I decided to name this blog it because it changed my whole life, and my family's life completely. They have been my rock throughout all this and would not have coped without them.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Scared of the dark

As this second phase has started to develop the primary symptom, and time during which I struggle the most, is as it starts to get dark, it terrifies me. The blackness, the shadows that aren't really there. Also first thing in the morning, before I get up and out of bed I have the same problem. I have started to have what my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) describes as night terrors. It is the most strange feeling I have ever experienced, it is like dreaming when you are awake; flashbacks that are fictional but depict my worst fears and nightmares. Which more often than not leave me questioning what is real and what is just in my mind when I come round the next morning.

The strange this is that in the day time I am able to function almost totally normally. With the exception of a heightened sense of paranoia and anxiousness. This is how it started last time, however I am not resigned to the fact that history will repeat itself because situation I am in now is so very different to how it was then. Most of the factors that contributed to my condition last time are not the same as this time. Today I saw my CPN and she has mentioned the possibility that in fact my psychosis could potentially be a symptom of an undiagnosed 'personality disorder.' Apparently there are many types of these 'disorders' and even more causes for them. But we will have to wait and see what happens. However what ever the cause or reason for this relapse is, doesn't matter at the moment because it is happening for what ever reason, and will happen whether I know the cause of it or not. 

Herein lies the biggest problem I face- knowing it is happening to me. Last time I was in a place where I was not particularly aware of what was happening to me, it just sort of snuck up on me. This time I can see it coming, like some sort of cloud hanging over me and this, in my opinion, makes it scarier than last time, even though it hasn't got to the stage it did last time. 
A second problem I have encountered is that because I have been through it before people assume that the second time will be easier but this it not the case, far from it. In fact it is scarier and far more frightening because I know what is potentially coming. Only someone who has experienced this knows just how scary this prospect is. And when people ask I struggle to put it into words because I don't want to scare people or make them jump to conclusions.
Tomorrow I leave for Kent for my sisters wedding and I cannot wait. Going to something so normal in the midst of everything that is so abnormal and unpredictable really is unbelievably calming. As fate would have it, it could not have come at a better time and I wish Bridget and Ian all the happiness in the world. I will try and keep this up to date when I can while I am away but please excuse me if it remains quiet for a few days.

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