05.23am is one of the most significant points of my life. It was the time I was admitted to a Psychiatric Ward. So that is why I decided to name this blog it because it changed my whole life, and my family's life completely. They have been my rock throughout all this and would not have coped without them.

Sunday, 29 July 2012

The New

Today I got new glasses, not a big deal for most, but for someone that doesn't do change, to me it is a massive deal. It has got me thinking about how I deal with new things and change generally. To me this is one big hurdle I still struggle to climb but change happens all the time and to an extent you have to just role with it. I cannot really explain why change scares me and makes me nervous, it just does. However I have come to the conclusion that worrying about stuff you cannot chance is pointless. Of course I wish I didn't have Psychosis, but I do, so I have to get on with it and it is my desire to use it to use it in every way I can to help other people and myself at the same time. Mental illness is such that it changes frequently, it evolves from one day to the next. And I think people who don't have it need to understand this. We are not fighting a label. We are fighting an illness that may change in its nature as quickly as over night. So to an extent you have to live with the new, even if like me you cannot stand it. Some change can be good though but even that I struggle with. Change is everywhere and always happening and I think it is important to be mindful of it and to an extent you just have to go with the flow, because fighting it can make it even worse. As my illness evolves and changes I too find my self changing and evolving. For example the first time I became ill I really let myself go, and became all unkempt and the like. So this time I am fighting it by trying to keep on top of all that stuff, by making myself feel better by keeping an eye on how I dress and how I look. Not in a vain way but in some ways, feeling better outwardly can make you feel better both mentally and physically. So I think when change happens you just have to change with it and just keep an eye on yourself and be aware of the changes in you, and around you.

The most important thing I think to do in this situation is just acknowledging the fact that you can't change change. And although I wish I could you cannot control it all of the time. But I have found the trick is to become aware of yourself and of the changes that you will go through.
The changes can be difficult, especially if it is a change for the worse. This is difficult for you, but is also painful for your parents and friends to see, so keep them in the loop. Talk to them about it, because that is the only way the will be able to understand it, as it may be a change they cannot see. And if it is a change that affects them it is important, and it is their right to know about it. This can sometimes not be easy to talk about. So I sometimes try writing it down for them, especially when my brain is so muddled that I am in no position to explain it verbally to them. And I have found this silent communication works well, when talking can be too painful or hard.

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