05.23am is one of the most significant points of my life. It was the time I was admitted to a Psychiatric Ward. So that is why I decided to name this blog it because it changed my whole life, and my family's life completely. They have been my rock throughout all this and would not have coped without them.

Saturday, 14 July 2012

Cutthroat and Confusion

Today I set myself a challenge, to go into a proper barbers and have my very first cut throat shave. To most men this is no challenge at all, but it was for me. I have a real thing about people touching my neck, it makes me really nervous and at present my paranoia levels are at a point that I find it very difficult to trust and be comfortable with new people around me. So for a random stranger to be shaving my neck with a cutthroat blade was a big step.
But I did it and walked out of the shop with a real sense of victory Sam 1- Psychosis 0

One thing has struck me recently, and indeed it was backed up by my CPN when I last saw her. When I was diagnosed I was given a whole host of leaflets and information packs on what the symptoms of psychosis are and then the phases which one goes through during the 'episode.' However none of these even begin to prepare you for the emotional struggle which you go through. For example they say you have a heightened sense of anxiousness. Fine. I can live with that and this is the main issue I have at the moment. But what the leaflets do not say is how being extra anxious makes you feel; scared, wary and paranoid about everything. To the extend every time I leave the house my mind goes into overdrive about whether or not I have everything; have I locked the door etc. Even though I know I have. It is different from the 'oh have I got my keys' worry that everyone goes through. It sounds more like 'urkgfvh have orifgdhvrewo I rwiogfj got rrohgj my erougfvhoef keys rgfovhe'. Everything is mixed up my mind gets all fuzzy and confused under pressure at the moment. Which is becoming increasingly annoying as I am messing up even the most basic of tasks. My mind is in a 'what if' mode. All I can think of is what if this happens cause that to happen or if that happens what will happen next. I am finding it hard to live in the here and now at the moment. But that is all I can do because at present the future is so unpredictable and I just don't know what will happen today, tomorrow, next week or next month and I really HATE that.


  1. A victory indeed and a decent shave as well!!!

  2. Well done Sam on both accounts! X

  3. one day at a time kiddo x x x

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