05.23am is one of the most significant points of my life. It was the time I was admitted to a Psychiatric Ward. So that is why I decided to name this blog it because it changed my whole life, and my family's life completely. They have been my rock throughout all this and would not have coped without them.

Monday, 9 July 2012

Well here goes....

Before I discovered this whole world of blogging I thought I was pretty good with technology but all this stuff is totally new to me and proof I am indeed not good with it, so please bare with me.

As I said on my page, at the beginning of last year I was diagnosed as having a psychotic episode which, to some people, can conjure up images of knife wielding murderers and the like. It certainly did for me at least, for a while, before I understood what it really meant and then I soon came to realize that this could not be a more incorrect judgment to make.
Of course I can only talk about my experiences throughout this illness from my own personal experience and what my friends and family have said I was like during my first episode
In reality the fact it is just like loosing who you are for a while, it is like loosing your nature, your essence as a human being and although I can only talk about what happened to me, I felt dead inside and so the notion I could get angry enough to wield a knife or whatever is totally paradoxical as I didn't have enough emotion to feel anything so how could I get angry enough to do that in the first place? And the times when I did feel something it just made me sad, not angry. But I will never shake the thought that my mum especially was, for a while, scared of me. This upset me and then made me scared of me. I knew I never would or could hurt anyone psychically but the fact that the voices in my head were telling me to meant that the people I stayed with, my mum and dad, needed to know what the voices were saying and so they got scared.

The primary emotion I felt last time was fear, pure and simple fear. I have always been the kind of person who likes to be in control and the psychosis meant I wasn't in control of myself and this is terrifying. And it is something that no shrink or nurse can prepare you for because as good as they are or can be, the power of the emotion involved cannot be explained in a book or by a person who has themselves not been through it. It can only be experienced. That is the purpose of this blog to share my fears and thoughts as and when they happen.

However it is bad to dwell on the past and so I will only really use it to help predict what may come next. I will not be explicitly replaying what happened last time on here and I don't like doing it in person either as I find it a scary place to look back to.
What I want to try and to do is put down in text how I feel and how this second episode manifests itself over the coming weeks and months. Last time this happened to me I felt so alone because I didn't have anyone to talk to who had been to the same point I had. Talking bout it helps but knowing you are not alone can help a lot more. Knowing your not the only one having odd or bad thoughts, in my opinion makes it feel less wrong or shameful.


3 comments:

  1. Good for you Sam; I know that starting this has not been easy.

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  2. Amazing. I can't even put it in to words

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