I have a new found respect for painters and decorators. I haven't blogged for a month or so now because I have had a whirlwind few weeks. Firstly I turned 21, which wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be (but I do still feel pretty old now). Secondly I am the proud renter of my own flat! Something which I thought would happen at some point but I had an interview one week, got the keys the next and now I have literally just put the first lick of paint on the walls. So I apologize but my feet have hardly touched the floor. Hence my new respect for decorators.
So much has changed I have just been riding some sort of high of all the activity I have found myself involved in, and it has been amazing, I feel refreshed and in a really good place. So I don't really want to mar what is a really good period of time with any downheartedness, and for once I don't really have reason too. The only down side to this whole month is that my sleeping is all messed up, I think this might just be left over energy or excitement or whatever but I cannot sleep more than 4 hours in a row, which is starting to take its toll a bit. Being constantly tired is making things a little difficult but I guess at the moment it cannot be helped.
The only negative that has really come of me moving house is that I have to move doctors, as I have moved into a new catchment area and therefore I am being legally forced to move to the nearer practice. My GP has been so amazing to me and has seen me go through so much and can still raise a smile even when times are hard I feel very sad to leave him. He saw me at my very worst so I guess it is sort of fitting he see's me so happy before I leave for a new practice. But still I do not really want to move because I don't really want to have to go through everything with a new doctor, needs must I suppose though. It got me wondering whether this whole catchment area thing is just a British thing because it does seem a little odd that I am being forced to move when I want to stay put. That I don't know the answer too.
Showing posts with label asylum. Show all posts
Showing posts with label asylum. Show all posts
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
Thursday, 16 August 2012
10 Floors Up
I have had a lot of time to think about things over the past few days because I am in hospital due to an unexplained neurological problem that is getting worse as the weeks go by. The weird part is I am on the children's ward. Which is sort of odd since I am nearly 21. But anyway the nurses are lovely and I can have visitors when ever I like so it does have some perks and I have a nice room to myself. So I can't complain really.
Anyway it got me thinking how feeling physically ill and mentally ill at the same time can make you feel. It is difficult because feeling mentally ill can make you feel physically ill and feeling physically ill can definitely have a big impact on your mental state. Thinking about this threw up some very odd and possibly scary thoughts for me. If we look at the two situations separately. Firstly how feeling mentally ill effects you physically. For me I have been affected in a number of ways physically due to my psychosis, firstly when I was on the anti-psychotic called Olanzapine it made me constantly hungry and as such I put on a fair bit of weight, to the extent I felt I need to join the gym to compensate for it. Perhaps a darker and more dangerous side of this coin is that the mind can actually cause you physical pain. So this made me think that the mind can affectively self harm its own body without me doing anything or without me being able to control it. This thought scares me quite a lot, especially given my past issues with these things; people self harm for a lot of reasons but to an extent, no matter how wrong or twisted it may be, your body may be doing it to self medicate in the same what that actually self harming can be a type of self medication no matter how wrong that may be. So I do not know what to think, stuck here in hospital, because I just think I could leave here with no answers to my questions and still no reason for the way I feel physically. Which I know is no ones fault but it just makes me angry and cross with myself, one for getting cross in my head with the Dr's and Nurses and two because I have lost control of yet another situation.
My physical illness makes me pretty much constantly tired and as such I have less energy to fight my psychosis, most days I can handle it but some I can't deal with both and my body and mind sort of just shut down and I cant think straight or get my words out right. Being psychically ill but not knowing what the illness is, and as such not being able to treat it, or even find out what it is, is really stressful. Each week going to the doctors and getting more results that all come back negative, which is good that what ever was tested for is not what is wrong with me but equally I just want to find out now, what ever it is, so it is one less thing I don't know. It goes further than that though, the whole two illnesses thing is just very stressful in itself without even thinking about diagnosis's and whatever. And to be honest I am just a bit fed up with the whole situation I find myself in at the moment, it is just a bit too much for me to happily handle.
The physical illness doesn't even have to be major, in fact I would say that getting the flu can be almost as bad as whatever it is I have because they both leave you drained and tired of fighting. The only difference is the longevity of the illness and the fact I don't know what mine is yet. I just find it is like trying to juggle with anvils, it is bloody hard work.
Anyway it got me thinking how feeling physically ill and mentally ill at the same time can make you feel. It is difficult because feeling mentally ill can make you feel physically ill and feeling physically ill can definitely have a big impact on your mental state. Thinking about this threw up some very odd and possibly scary thoughts for me. If we look at the two situations separately. Firstly how feeling mentally ill effects you physically. For me I have been affected in a number of ways physically due to my psychosis, firstly when I was on the anti-psychotic called Olanzapine it made me constantly hungry and as such I put on a fair bit of weight, to the extent I felt I need to join the gym to compensate for it. Perhaps a darker and more dangerous side of this coin is that the mind can actually cause you physical pain. So this made me think that the mind can affectively self harm its own body without me doing anything or without me being able to control it. This thought scares me quite a lot, especially given my past issues with these things; people self harm for a lot of reasons but to an extent, no matter how wrong or twisted it may be, your body may be doing it to self medicate in the same what that actually self harming can be a type of self medication no matter how wrong that may be. So I do not know what to think, stuck here in hospital, because I just think I could leave here with no answers to my questions and still no reason for the way I feel physically. Which I know is no ones fault but it just makes me angry and cross with myself, one for getting cross in my head with the Dr's and Nurses and two because I have lost control of yet another situation.
My physical illness makes me pretty much constantly tired and as such I have less energy to fight my psychosis, most days I can handle it but some I can't deal with both and my body and mind sort of just shut down and I cant think straight or get my words out right. Being psychically ill but not knowing what the illness is, and as such not being able to treat it, or even find out what it is, is really stressful. Each week going to the doctors and getting more results that all come back negative, which is good that what ever was tested for is not what is wrong with me but equally I just want to find out now, what ever it is, so it is one less thing I don't know. It goes further than that though, the whole two illnesses thing is just very stressful in itself without even thinking about diagnosis's and whatever. And to be honest I am just a bit fed up with the whole situation I find myself in at the moment, it is just a bit too much for me to happily handle.
The physical illness doesn't even have to be major, in fact I would say that getting the flu can be almost as bad as whatever it is I have because they both leave you drained and tired of fighting. The only difference is the longevity of the illness and the fact I don't know what mine is yet. I just find it is like trying to juggle with anvils, it is bloody hard work.
Saturday, 21 July 2012
Feeling the force
Well today dad and I got a new puppy. He was born on May the fourth and as such he has now been named Yoda. It is great to have a dog back in my life and the force is definitely strong in him :P
Since the car journey home he has done nothing but sleep and chew stuff up.
Talking about sleep, weird things are a happening. I have been going to bed at a reasonable time, sleeping fairly OK and waking up before 8 each day for the past week or so. It is funny how the little things can make a big difference. My day feels so much longer, and as such I have more time to do stuff I really like. I am genuinely amazed how beneficial a sensible sleep routine can be. It may sound silly but it has made a big difference this past few days.
Talking about sleep, weird things are a happening. I have been going to bed at a reasonable time, sleeping fairly OK and waking up before 8 each day for the past week or so. It is funny how the little things can make a big difference. My day feels so much longer, and as such I have more time to do stuff I really like. I am genuinely amazed how beneficial a sensible sleep routine can be. It may sound silly but it has made a big difference this past few days.
As I said in my last blog, I have been having quite a big problem with panic and anxiety. To combat this I have set myself a few small challenges. Firstly I am trying to organize my thoughts into specific notebooks etc. At a time when I feel my brain isn't firing on all cylinders it is much better for me to write down my thoughts, and plan what I want to say, if it important, before I do it. And it does seem to be working to an extent. The second challenge I have undertaken over the past few days was to go to Cribbs Causeway, which is a big inside shopping centre, which can get quite busy. So it was a test to see if I can cope in crowds and be away from what I would call a 'safe place' for a whole day. Although I found lunch a little tense as the restaurant was pretty busy the day was an overwhelming success which made me feel very good. I think when dealing with mental illness it is important to take baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race. Trying too much to soon, which is what I have done in the past only makes things worse. Everyone is different but everyone knows what to them are big or little steps.
Taking these little steps can be vital in regaining control of yourself and not letting the illness control you. Which is the worse thing that can happen but often does for a while. However being mindful of it is half the battle fought. After taking what others may see as baby steps you do get an overwhelming sense of achievement, and it feels GREAT, a buzz most people who aren't ill wouldn't understand but it is amazing.
I saw my GP yesterday, whom I get on very well with and he really got me thinking, we were talking about psychiatric wards and their pro's and con's. but what was interesting was the word he used and the explanation he gave. He said they should go back to being called an asylum, even though this word was abandoned many years ago. He said it because you are seeking help in exactly the same way people claim political asylum. He said it is not unrealistic to at times feel like you need to seek 'mental asylum'. I found that thought quite comforting and reassuring in a strange sort of way. Like it isn't something shameful to consider, but it is in fact, sometimes the best and most rational decision to make. However now is not the right time for me to claim it. But he just made me feel that if I ever do need to, that you shouldn't be ashamed of it. And people shouldn't you wouldn't be ashamed of having your appendix out so why should you about this?
I saw my GP yesterday, whom I get on very well with and he really got me thinking, we were talking about psychiatric wards and their pro's and con's. but what was interesting was the word he used and the explanation he gave. He said they should go back to being called an asylum, even though this word was abandoned many years ago. He said it because you are seeking help in exactly the same way people claim political asylum. He said it is not unrealistic to at times feel like you need to seek 'mental asylum'. I found that thought quite comforting and reassuring in a strange sort of way. Like it isn't something shameful to consider, but it is in fact, sometimes the best and most rational decision to make. However now is not the right time for me to claim it. But he just made me feel that if I ever do need to, that you shouldn't be ashamed of it. And people shouldn't you wouldn't be ashamed of having your appendix out so why should you about this?
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