I have a new found respect for painters and decorators. I haven't blogged for a month or so now because I have had a whirlwind few weeks. Firstly I turned 21, which wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be (but I do still feel pretty old now). Secondly I am the proud renter of my own flat! Something which I thought would happen at some point but I had an interview one week, got the keys the next and now I have literally just put the first lick of paint on the walls. So I apologize but my feet have hardly touched the floor. Hence my new respect for decorators.
So much has changed I have just been riding some sort of high of all the activity I have found myself involved in, and it has been amazing, I feel refreshed and in a really good place. So I don't really want to mar what is a really good period of time with any downheartedness, and for once I don't really have reason too. The only down side to this whole month is that my sleeping is all messed up, I think this might just be left over energy or excitement or whatever but I cannot sleep more than 4 hours in a row, which is starting to take its toll a bit. Being constantly tired is making things a little difficult but I guess at the moment it cannot be helped.
The only negative that has really come of me moving house is that I have to move doctors, as I have moved into a new catchment area and therefore I am being legally forced to move to the nearer practice. My GP has been so amazing to me and has seen me go through so much and can still raise a smile even when times are hard I feel very sad to leave him. He saw me at my very worst so I guess it is sort of fitting he see's me so happy before I leave for a new practice. But still I do not really want to move because I don't really want to have to go through everything with a new doctor, needs must I suppose though. It got me wondering whether this whole catchment area thing is just a British thing because it does seem a little odd that I am being forced to move when I want to stay put. That I don't know the answer too.
Showing posts with label housing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label housing. Show all posts
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
Sunday, 2 September 2012
No matter how dark the moment...
Sometimes there are no words. No clever quotes to neatly sum up what has happen over the last week and a half. I haven't found any anything that come close to adequately describe the last week or so. I am getting pretty fed up of juggling anvils now, it feels like I have already fumbled and can feel certain ones slipping away from me. Due to the medication I take I have started to wake up with what feels like the worlds worst hangover. Luckily it passes after a while, but even so it does make me feel pretty rough for a couple of hours.
I have really struggled to find anything of note or anything worth writing about because I just seem to have no real energy and my mind is not working properly at the moment. By this I mean that I am having the most wierdest irrational thoughts and my general thought process is seriously off kilter, I don't mean this in the sense of wanting to hurt myself, or anyone else for that matter. I mean that I am terrified of pretty much anything and everything. When I going outside to take Yoda for a walk I get so jumpy and instead of enjoying it I find myself just getting pretty angry. It feels like I have a constant need to check for incoming or potential threats. Even though, rationally, I know they are not really there. But like I said the irrational side of my thoughts have taken over the rational side, which feels so mentally exhausting, constantly being on guard for incoming and potential threats, that realistically aren't there. For example getting into a car, not only do I get nervous that I am leaving the safety of my house but I have a genuine fear of the car itself. The idea that we could crash or whatever leaves me constantly on edge. At the moment I don't see things as they really are, instead I see everything as a potential danger or threat to me. I also feel a great level of anxiety when I leave what I deem to be a safe place purely because I am leaving the places I feel safest, then I worry about have I shut every window, door etc. And it goes on till I am back in one of my safe places.
This new level of paranoia/anxiousness is coupled with myself becoming increasingly obsessive compulsive about things about things, something which never happened last time really. I keep my keys on a chain to prevent me forgetting them when we go out. Yet before I leave the house, then before I shut the front door I have to feel them in my pocket then get them out to literally see them, then I can shut the door. But I still keep checking I have them, the same goes for my wallet and my phone. It also leaves me with and excessive need to plan things, I often need to plan my day out before it starts, and then if something doesn't go to plan or the plan changes I freak out and get all tense, and sometimes upset and angry. What has brought this on I have no idea. But I see the Psychiatrist on Tuesday so hopefully he will be able to shed some light on this. Also the housing possibilities I have blogged about previously are starting to come to fruition. So it's not all doom and gloom.
However no matter how dark the moment I know things will get better again, maybe not imminently but I know for sure that everything will be alright.
I have really struggled to find anything of note or anything worth writing about because I just seem to have no real energy and my mind is not working properly at the moment. By this I mean that I am having the most wierdest irrational thoughts and my general thought process is seriously off kilter, I don't mean this in the sense of wanting to hurt myself, or anyone else for that matter. I mean that I am terrified of pretty much anything and everything. When I going outside to take Yoda for a walk I get so jumpy and instead of enjoying it I find myself just getting pretty angry. It feels like I have a constant need to check for incoming or potential threats. Even though, rationally, I know they are not really there. But like I said the irrational side of my thoughts have taken over the rational side, which feels so mentally exhausting, constantly being on guard for incoming and potential threats, that realistically aren't there. For example getting into a car, not only do I get nervous that I am leaving the safety of my house but I have a genuine fear of the car itself. The idea that we could crash or whatever leaves me constantly on edge. At the moment I don't see things as they really are, instead I see everything as a potential danger or threat to me. I also feel a great level of anxiety when I leave what I deem to be a safe place purely because I am leaving the places I feel safest, then I worry about have I shut every window, door etc. And it goes on till I am back in one of my safe places.
This new level of paranoia/anxiousness is coupled with myself becoming increasingly obsessive compulsive about things about things, something which never happened last time really. I keep my keys on a chain to prevent me forgetting them when we go out. Yet before I leave the house, then before I shut the front door I have to feel them in my pocket then get them out to literally see them, then I can shut the door. But I still keep checking I have them, the same goes for my wallet and my phone. It also leaves me with and excessive need to plan things, I often need to plan my day out before it starts, and then if something doesn't go to plan or the plan changes I freak out and get all tense, and sometimes upset and angry. What has brought this on I have no idea. But I see the Psychiatrist on Tuesday so hopefully he will be able to shed some light on this. Also the housing possibilities I have blogged about previously are starting to come to fruition. So it's not all doom and gloom.
However no matter how dark the moment I know things will get better again, maybe not imminently but I know for sure that everything will be alright.
Saturday, 11 August 2012
Forward back forward back
I know it has been a few days since my last post but I have struggled to find the words for what I want to say at the moment, my mind feels a bit like scrambled egg and so it is taking a while to get anything done that needs thinking about.
So I just had an interview to get some help with getting myself set up with little flat somewhere local to me. However I thought I was going to an interview for Assisted Housing, rather than Assistance with Housing. So the two pages of questions I had prepared were totally useless and for the first five minutes or so my mind was in total disarray to say the least. And to be fair the lady doing the interview could obviously tell, so kindly let me have a minute to get my head around what she was actually offering support with. With hindsight in some ways the unexpected has turned out to be more useful than what I had been expecting.
To be fair to myself I think I dealt with the unexpected a lot better than I normally do, maybe because it was in a public place or something. I don't know. But my mind sort of compartmentalized my feelings and then they sort of all came to a head when I got back in the car afterwards.
This whole experience is not just alien but also quiet scary, I walked down the step afterwards thinking 'shit, I am actually like an adult.' Which may sound silly but if you do the uni route, from my experience, you don't really have to grow up as soon as you arrive, or at all in the first year. So all of a sudden I have/had a lot of growing up to do in the space of an hour. Which of course, sent my mind into over drive. It automatically gave me a huge sense of freedom and of moving on with my life, but I worry slightly that it will be like how I described my second attempt at uni. Just me brooding in a flat instead of a room. But then I thought that actually, although I had lots of support at uni, there is even more down here, and it is more specialized too. So when it happens it should be fine, but to be honest it isn't something I will be doing in the next month or two at least. Freedom is an awesome and empowering thing but if I get left with too much time I get lost in my own mind and that is when I start to go downhill.
This good and affirmative step did make me feel a lot better, and it still does, just not as much now, because I have found myself slightly worsening in terms of my mental health. It is not bad bad, but as you can imagine, every time I slip up I always imagine what could happen rather than what actually will happen. I have found myself getting so incredibly paranoid of everything and of nearly everyone. To the extent that the paranoia is bringing anger with it, internally I am starting to get so full of rage that it can be hard to control at times, but so far I am managing to cope well with it; using coping mechanisms of my own and ones I have been taught by my CPN's. This anger is not directed at anyone or even myself, it is just a feeling that I get when things start to go backwards rather than the forward steps I am trying to take.
I am not in full blown hallucination mode thankfully but because of everything else I am doubting whether what I hear is real or in my head, unlike last time there is, so far no real anger in what I do think is not real, it is more like hearing in on someone else's convosations. Like whispers in the air. But as it stands I am aware of all this and it is all in hand and no where near the worse levels it hit last year. What I fail to understand is why it is happening, it is seemingly so random which makes it so frustrating. The new style of support I am getting is so action orientated that I feel more of in control of it at the moment. Which can only be a good thing. My general mood is still pretty up beat but the medication I am on is making me feel a bit like a zombie, everyone comments on how red the bags are around my eyes, which I don't like, but if it keeps me sort of well, it is sort of worth it.
So I just had an interview to get some help with getting myself set up with little flat somewhere local to me. However I thought I was going to an interview for Assisted Housing, rather than Assistance with Housing. So the two pages of questions I had prepared were totally useless and for the first five minutes or so my mind was in total disarray to say the least. And to be fair the lady doing the interview could obviously tell, so kindly let me have a minute to get my head around what she was actually offering support with. With hindsight in some ways the unexpected has turned out to be more useful than what I had been expecting.
To be fair to myself I think I dealt with the unexpected a lot better than I normally do, maybe because it was in a public place or something. I don't know. But my mind sort of compartmentalized my feelings and then they sort of all came to a head when I got back in the car afterwards.
This whole experience is not just alien but also quiet scary, I walked down the step afterwards thinking 'shit, I am actually like an adult.' Which may sound silly but if you do the uni route, from my experience, you don't really have to grow up as soon as you arrive, or at all in the first year. So all of a sudden I have/had a lot of growing up to do in the space of an hour. Which of course, sent my mind into over drive. It automatically gave me a huge sense of freedom and of moving on with my life, but I worry slightly that it will be like how I described my second attempt at uni. Just me brooding in a flat instead of a room. But then I thought that actually, although I had lots of support at uni, there is even more down here, and it is more specialized too. So when it happens it should be fine, but to be honest it isn't something I will be doing in the next month or two at least. Freedom is an awesome and empowering thing but if I get left with too much time I get lost in my own mind and that is when I start to go downhill.
This good and affirmative step did make me feel a lot better, and it still does, just not as much now, because I have found myself slightly worsening in terms of my mental health. It is not bad bad, but as you can imagine, every time I slip up I always imagine what could happen rather than what actually will happen. I have found myself getting so incredibly paranoid of everything and of nearly everyone. To the extent that the paranoia is bringing anger with it, internally I am starting to get so full of rage that it can be hard to control at times, but so far I am managing to cope well with it; using coping mechanisms of my own and ones I have been taught by my CPN's. This anger is not directed at anyone or even myself, it is just a feeling that I get when things start to go backwards rather than the forward steps I am trying to take.
I am not in full blown hallucination mode thankfully but because of everything else I am doubting whether what I hear is real or in my head, unlike last time there is, so far no real anger in what I do think is not real, it is more like hearing in on someone else's convosations. Like whispers in the air. But as it stands I am aware of all this and it is all in hand and no where near the worse levels it hit last year. What I fail to understand is why it is happening, it is seemingly so random which makes it so frustrating. The new style of support I am getting is so action orientated that I feel more of in control of it at the moment. Which can only be a good thing. My general mood is still pretty up beat but the medication I am on is making me feel a bit like a zombie, everyone comments on how red the bags are around my eyes, which I don't like, but if it keeps me sort of well, it is sort of worth it.
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