I have a new found respect for painters and decorators. I haven't blogged for a month or so now because I have had a whirlwind few weeks. Firstly I turned 21, which wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be (but I do still feel pretty old now). Secondly I am the proud renter of my own flat! Something which I thought would happen at some point but I had an interview one week, got the keys the next and now I have literally just put the first lick of paint on the walls. So I apologize but my feet have hardly touched the floor. Hence my new respect for decorators.
So much has changed I have just been riding some sort of high of all the activity I have found myself involved in, and it has been amazing, I feel refreshed and in a really good place. So I don't really want to mar what is a really good period of time with any downheartedness, and for once I don't really have reason too. The only down side to this whole month is that my sleeping is all messed up, I think this might just be left over energy or excitement or whatever but I cannot sleep more than 4 hours in a row, which is starting to take its toll a bit. Being constantly tired is making things a little difficult but I guess at the moment it cannot be helped.
The only negative that has really come of me moving house is that I have to move doctors, as I have moved into a new catchment area and therefore I am being legally forced to move to the nearer practice. My GP has been so amazing to me and has seen me go through so much and can still raise a smile even when times are hard I feel very sad to leave him. He saw me at my very worst so I guess it is sort of fitting he see's me so happy before I leave for a new practice. But still I do not really want to move because I don't really want to have to go through everything with a new doctor, needs must I suppose though. It got me wondering whether this whole catchment area thing is just a British thing because it does seem a little odd that I am being forced to move when I want to stay put. That I don't know the answer too.
Showing posts with label victory. Show all posts
Showing posts with label victory. Show all posts
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
Thursday, 20 September 2012
Approval, acceptance and friendship
This is my 20th blog and I must say I am a bit surprised, surprised because I have actually stuck at something, but I am more surprised that people have actually been reading it- this I did not expect. So thank you! :)
My life has changed so dramatically over the past 2 years or so, even more so in the time I have been doing this blog. So doing this has been very therapeutic for me, it is difficult to examine yourself enough to be able to tell others, and I think I have only even realised 10% of who I am and what makes me tick but I am learning. The journey of self discovery can be very long and at times very painful but I think half the battle though my eyes is knowing yourself. For me knowing why something is happening is just as important as dealing with the problem, and I believe they are both linked.
'If someone lives with approval, they learn to like themselves. If someone lives with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world.'
I think this quote sums up the three things a person needs and yearns for when you are living with a mental health condition; Approval, acceptance and friendship. Perhaps the hardest one to find in other people is approval, or certainly it feels that way. It feels that if you don't have that approval from your friends and family you cant even start to be open about how your condition makes you feel. Everyone needs that feeling before they can then get the acceptance we need to live our lives openly and honestly,we need to be honest to both ourselves and to other people to live our lives to the full and the way we need to to make ourselves better. However we still live in a world where we are not understood and we are stigmatized by other peoples snap judgement when we tell them we have mental health problems. It can take weeks and weeks to get people to understand how feel and what we need from other people to help us get better. I have been very lucky, I am very lucky to have a very supportive network of family and friends around me, but it didn't appear over night and it was very hard to open up to them and be truly honest about how I felt and continue to feel. My parents have literally picked me up from the squalor both mentally and physically so it is them that I owe the most to. There is no doubt that friendships save lives, they are often the first port of call when you need to vent. When I look back at my time at uni I realise just how lucky I was to have the friends that I make while I was there.
The most important issue we face is to come to terms with ourselves, and how we have changed due to our illness. This requires so much soul searching and it only comes with time, as our illnesses evolve we too must evolve with it. For while I hated myself and everything I was but I learned that that is who I am now, so there is no point trying to fight it. Finding light and love whilst in such a dark place can be very difficult. Finding or seeing love whilst in this place is very difficult as the darkness is blinding and overwhelming. But I have learned to find it in the small things, in beautiful places and in the inner beauty of the people around me, but this is a slow process and can be very frustrating. But when you see the light it makes you feel a whole lot better. Trust me.
My life has changed so dramatically over the past 2 years or so, even more so in the time I have been doing this blog. So doing this has been very therapeutic for me, it is difficult to examine yourself enough to be able to tell others, and I think I have only even realised 10% of who I am and what makes me tick but I am learning. The journey of self discovery can be very long and at times very painful but I think half the battle though my eyes is knowing yourself. For me knowing why something is happening is just as important as dealing with the problem, and I believe they are both linked.
'If someone lives with approval, they learn to like themselves. If someone lives with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world.'
I think this quote sums up the three things a person needs and yearns for when you are living with a mental health condition; Approval, acceptance and friendship. Perhaps the hardest one to find in other people is approval, or certainly it feels that way. It feels that if you don't have that approval from your friends and family you cant even start to be open about how your condition makes you feel. Everyone needs that feeling before they can then get the acceptance we need to live our lives openly and honestly,we need to be honest to both ourselves and to other people to live our lives to the full and the way we need to to make ourselves better. However we still live in a world where we are not understood and we are stigmatized by other peoples snap judgement when we tell them we have mental health problems. It can take weeks and weeks to get people to understand how feel and what we need from other people to help us get better. I have been very lucky, I am very lucky to have a very supportive network of family and friends around me, but it didn't appear over night and it was very hard to open up to them and be truly honest about how I felt and continue to feel. My parents have literally picked me up from the squalor both mentally and physically so it is them that I owe the most to. There is no doubt that friendships save lives, they are often the first port of call when you need to vent. When I look back at my time at uni I realise just how lucky I was to have the friends that I make while I was there.
The most important issue we face is to come to terms with ourselves, and how we have changed due to our illness. This requires so much soul searching and it only comes with time, as our illnesses evolve we too must evolve with it. For while I hated myself and everything I was but I learned that that is who I am now, so there is no point trying to fight it. Finding light and love whilst in such a dark place can be very difficult. Finding or seeing love whilst in this place is very difficult as the darkness is blinding and overwhelming. But I have learned to find it in the small things, in beautiful places and in the inner beauty of the people around me, but this is a slow process and can be very frustrating. But when you see the light it makes you feel a whole lot better. Trust me.
Saturday, 14 July 2012
Cutthroat and Confusion
Today I set myself a challenge, to go into a proper barbers and have my very first cut throat shave. To most men this is no challenge at all, but it was for me. I have a real thing about people touching my neck, it makes me really nervous and at present my paranoia levels are at a point that I find it very difficult to trust and be comfortable with new people around me. So for a random stranger to be shaving my neck with a cutthroat blade was a big step.
But I did it and walked out of the shop with a real sense of victory Sam 1- Psychosis 0
One thing has struck me recently, and indeed it was backed up by my CPN when I last saw her. When I was diagnosed I was given a whole host of leaflets and information packs on what the symptoms of psychosis are and then the phases which one goes through during the 'episode.' However none of these even begin to prepare you for the emotional struggle which you go through. For example they say you have a heightened sense of anxiousness. Fine. I can live with that and this is the main issue I have at the moment. But what the leaflets do not say is how being extra anxious makes you feel; scared, wary and paranoid about everything. To the extend every time I leave the house my mind goes into overdrive about whether or not I have everything; have I locked the door etc. Even though I know I have. It is different from the 'oh have I got my keys' worry that everyone goes through. It sounds more like 'urkgfvh have orifgdhvrewo I rwiogfj got rrohgj my erougfvhoef keys rgfovhe'. Everything is mixed up my mind gets all fuzzy and confused under pressure at the moment. Which is becoming increasingly annoying as I am messing up even the most basic of tasks. My mind is in a 'what if' mode. All I can think of is what if this happens cause that to happen or if that happens what will happen next. I am finding it hard to live in the here and now at the moment. But that is all I can do because at present the future is so unpredictable and I just don't know what will happen today, tomorrow, next week or next month and I really HATE that.
But I did it and walked out of the shop with a real sense of victory Sam 1- Psychosis 0
One thing has struck me recently, and indeed it was backed up by my CPN when I last saw her. When I was diagnosed I was given a whole host of leaflets and information packs on what the symptoms of psychosis are and then the phases which one goes through during the 'episode.' However none of these even begin to prepare you for the emotional struggle which you go through. For example they say you have a heightened sense of anxiousness. Fine. I can live with that and this is the main issue I have at the moment. But what the leaflets do not say is how being extra anxious makes you feel; scared, wary and paranoid about everything. To the extend every time I leave the house my mind goes into overdrive about whether or not I have everything; have I locked the door etc. Even though I know I have. It is different from the 'oh have I got my keys' worry that everyone goes through. It sounds more like 'urkgfvh have orifgdhvrewo I rwiogfj got rrohgj my erougfvhoef keys rgfovhe'. Everything is mixed up my mind gets all fuzzy and confused under pressure at the moment. Which is becoming increasingly annoying as I am messing up even the most basic of tasks. My mind is in a 'what if' mode. All I can think of is what if this happens cause that to happen or if that happens what will happen next. I am finding it hard to live in the here and now at the moment. But that is all I can do because at present the future is so unpredictable and I just don't know what will happen today, tomorrow, next week or next month and I really HATE that.
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